You drooled and dribbled yesterday, didn’t you? But for which one? The Angus Burger with the blue cheese? Or the more refined and delicate Whitebait Pattie Burger? Or the Sav Burger? Put your baby’s bib on because here come the remaining five contestants in the competition:
Contestant #6: The Blue Cod Burger. A big battered fillet of blue cod, soaked with lemon juice, topped with several slices of tomato and a few leaves of iceberg lettuce. You’d surely serve this with a plate of fat chips, Watties sauce and some thin slices of white bread, because you just would. (In my humble opinion, this is made better by discarding the buns, but then, would it qualify to be called a burger?)
Contestant #7: The Black-Pudding Burger. Even more niche, but hear me out. Two or three thick slices of black pudding fried until crispy and crunchy, caramelized onions, a fried egg (or two) and here’s the extra two points kicked by Aaron Cruden in the 22-21 game against the Aussies… a spoonful or two of baked beans. Ah, see, I saw your eyes twitch. You’re keen now.
Contestant #7: The Venison, Bacon and Blackcurrant burger. It seems a shame to take any venison and squish it into a burger, but it’s the eN-Zed burger competition and so…, hold on a mini-minute, what’s this coming up?
Contestant #9: The Paua Pattie Burger. Woo hoo! This is ‘da bomb’ of da burgers! Toast the buns of course and then dip them both into the butter used to fry the paua pattie, which will be very thick and crusted and filled with minced paua and onion and a wee bit of flour and egg. A sprinkle of crumbled blue cheese, a ladle-full of caramelized onion, a thin slice of tomato and another of red onion, both previously soaked in balsamic vinegar. And a slice of beetroot. This is the best of the best of the best burgers. Worthy of the name, ‘the eN-Zed Burger’. Champion. With it’s very own place on the New Year’s Honours List, a medal from the Governor-General and hearty, blokey pat on the back from Lord Sir High-Priest Richie McCaw.
And so that’s that then…, but wait…
Wassup? There’s more? Could there be more? What could possibly be better than a Paua Pattie Burger? Now that you’ve read about it, you can taste it and feel it and smell it and you know you want it and you don’t want anything else, right? But what about a slice of foie-gras in a champagne sauce, with a thick slice of camembert? What about a Kobe-beef burger with truffles? What about an Alaskan King Crab burger? They have potential, yes, but none of these are very eN-Zeddy and anyway, after a quick thought, none of them would come even close to besting a Paua Pattie Burger. But, as I already said, wait…, because…
Here, blokes and blokesses, is Contestant #10: The Bluff Burger. For health and safety reasons, ACC requires me to tell you all to sit down before I describe this one. So sit down and buckle up. Ready?
The Bluff Burger. One giant, juicy Bluff oyster, battered and deep-fried, lovingly placed onto a toasted bun, drizzled with some malt vinegar (not cider vinegar, not balsamic vinegar, not red wine vinegar – only malt vinegar will do) and topped with caramelized onions, a thin slice of tomato and a leaf of crispy iceberg lettuce. Whammo! That right there is the, I mean ‘the’ eN-Zed burger. Although…, um…, maybe…, with a wee bit of imagination it’s possible to go one better than the Bluff Burger, I mean…, two battered oysters! The Double-Bluff Burger.
eN-Zed 